Speaking from 'I'
Why it's important to Speak from "I"
How we speak shapes how we think, relate, and cooperate. Most of us have habits of speech which we are completely unaware of. Some are helpful, some are not.
One of the most common and unhelpful patterns is the tendency for people to mask what they are experiencing by saying "you" (eg. “You know when you get tired and you can't take a break…” ) instead of "I". (“I’m tired and I need a break.”). It sounds innocuous, but it avoids the real truth and drives a great deal of confusion, defensiveness, and misalignment between people.
However, when we speak from our personal perspective, we are forced to get clear about how we feel, what we want, and own the outcomes of that.
This can feel uncomfortable, but the benefit of being transparent and direct, is other people understand us better, we model accountability, and invite genuine dialogue. All of which leads to better trust and cooperation.
What is Speaking from "I"
Speaking from "I" means owning your inner experience instead of hiding it behind generalisations, assumptions, or unnamed groups.
It is the shift from:
“Everyone knows this project isn't working. The team's frustrated. Something needs to change. We should probably cut our losses.”
to
"I'm concerned about where this project is heading. I'm seeing frustration in the team, and I'm questioning whether we should continue or reassess our approach. I'd like to hear your perspectives before we decide."
The second version removes guesswork for others. It stops you from making unconscious accusations. It signals maturity because you are reporting your reality, not defining theirs.
It not only clearer about whose concerns these are, it invites others into the conversation, and models the kind of directness and accountability that leads to better decisions.
What it's not:
- Being self-centered or ignoring others' views
- Avoiding collaborative language entirely
- A formula to apply mechanically in every sentence
How to do it
How to construct an 'I' statement
- Make a factual statement about an event “When you scheduled the meeting without me."
- Relate your thoughts/ imaginings “… I imagined that you didn’t think I had anything to contribute…”
- Describe your feeling about that – “…And I felt exasperated…”
- Declare what you are going to do about the situation, to get what you need – “… so I would like to talk to you again about my role and what I am here to contribute. And I am going to ask you what you think and feel about that and if there is anything getting in the way of us working together more effectively”
Some general tips
Notice your current patterns.
Pay attention to how you typically phrase things in meetings and emails.
- Do you tend to use "we" when you really mean "I"?
- Do you hide behind passive voice?
Start small.
Pick one or two contexts; perhaps team meetings or one-on-ones, and consciously practice using "I" statements. Don't try to overhaul everything at once.
Check before you speak.
Before making a statement, pause and ask yourself:
- "Do I truly know this a collective view or is it just mine?"
Then phrase accordingly.
Be specific about sources.
If you're relaying information from others, name them when possible and permissible: "Sarah raised concerns about..." rather than "There are concerns about..."
Own your uncertainties.
Speaking from "I" doesn't mean you need certainty. "I'm not sure yet, but I'm leaning toward..." is powerful and honest.
Other forms to listen out for
The royal "we"
- Instead of: "We need to be more aggressive in the market"
- Try: "I think we need to be more aggressive in the market"
The first version sounds like consensus but might just be your opinion.
Passive voice
- Instead of: "It's been decided that we'll postpone the launch"
- Try: "I've decided to postpone the launch" or "The executive team decided to postpone the launch"
Passive voice obscures who's actually making decisions.
Attributing to unnamed others
- Instead of: "People are saying the new process isn't working"
- Try: "I'm hearing concerns about the new process" or "I have concerns about the new process"
If you're the one raising it, own it. If others raised it, be specific about who and in what context.
Hiding behind facts
- Instead of: "The data shows we should exit this market"
- Try: "Based on the data, I believe we should exit this market"
Data informs decisions, but people interpret and decide. Own what's yours.
When to use it
Speaking from "I" is a practical discipline and can be used in many situations. Below are some situations where it is especially useful.
- Expressing your personal perspective or judgment
- Taking responsibility for a decision you made
- Sharing your feelings or concerns
- Disagreeing with a proposal or approach
- Making a request or setting an expectation
- Navigating conflict
- Calling out a broken agreement
- Giving feedback
- Checking in when something feels off
- and any time you want people to listen rather than defend.
One last thing
Initiating a round of "I" statements in a meeting is a rapid way to get a temperature check of everyone in the room on a particular issue. Doing it near the start and at the end of the meeting is also powerful, because it allows the group to see the collective recalibration and degree of alignment.
